Ramblings

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this entry.  I just feel like rambling a little....

Here lately, I've decided to give Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy a try.http://www.stressgroup.com/abcscrashcourse.html   In dealing with my depressive spells, and negative self-talk thought patterns this looks like it might actually be useful.  I'm feeling better already.  My negative looping thoughts (or thought distortions as they are called) have been greatly reduced.  Not stuffed down, masked, or stifled, but actually taken care of in a final sense.

I'm learning so much, that I find it a little sad that it's taken me so long to think this way.  A lot of REBT is about is realizing all of the shoulds, and musts that we hold ourselves, and others around us to all the time.  It's difficult to see these thoughts written on a piece of paper while trying to come up with good reasons why certain things HAVE to be a certain way.  I cannot rationally come up with reasons why my loved ones HAVE to support me in everything that I am, and do, for example.  Sure, it would be nice to have unconditional support, but it isn't an absolute.  It isn't a rule.  I can still go on living even if I don't get their approval.  It may be a little disappointing, and uncomfortable, but it's not the end of the world.  In realizing this, I feel more comfortable with myself, and who I am.  I'm not awaiting on anyone's approval to just be me anymore.  I can only do what I feel is best, and let others be responsible for their own emotions.  I'm not responsible for pleasing everyone.  That revelation is freeing in, and of itself.  I am only responsible for my own thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.  The level of perfection that I hold myself to is unattainable, and what is making me so unhappy.  It's not realistic, and I'm only setting myself up to fail, and be disappointed in many of my faulty ways of thinking.

In this new way of thinking I feel free to explore what I really want, and what I really need.  My anxiety over how everyone else will react is diminishing.  I feel self-empowered.  Able to explore who I really am.  Other people may not always like what I do, and I may not always like what they do, but I'm not going to react anymore with such intense emotions.  My self-confidence is growing. I'm choosing to be happy, and yes it IS a choice.  There's too much in life to do, learn about, and focus on to let such small negativities get me down.  I've wasted too much time feeling hurt, getting defensive, and trying to please others. 

"People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them."   
Epictetus

Things I don't like about society

There's something that's been on my mind for as long as I can remember.  It's the reason that I prefer my own company rather than that of others.  It's the reason that I withdraw from society.  The following is my opinions, and it may offend some.  I will admit that I can see things at times in black and white, but I will offer no apologies to what I'm about to say.  If you don't like it, then you don't.

Competition, something I've never understood, and never will.  I compete with no one. I've never cared who has more, can do more.  The whole concept is foreign to me.  It's the reason that no one ever has enough.  There's always something bigger, and better to obtain.  Most spend their whole lives working more than anything else.  For what?  A nicer car?  A bigger, nicer house?  The best clothes?  Top of the line technology that they never get to enjoy, because they're too busy working to pay for it?  Keeping up with the Jones' is the American dream.  I see people that put their children into daycare for more hours a week than they actually spend with them themselves.  They say it's to provide them with more than they had as children.  Things are never a replacement for love.  Never.  (Just as a note, single parents do what they have to do to provide for their families, so I'm not referring to them here.) 

When did it happen that in our country the most dysfunctional of people get put on TV while the world watches?  What is it about the train wreck of reality TV that pulls so many in?  Why is that kind of behavior condoned, but actually rewarded?  Shows about love, and kindness would be too boring, I guess.  Instead, people choose to spend their time glued to their couch watching such narcissistic people with NO values such as John and Kate Plus 8, or X-Factor, because why not?  Why not watch to see how many people Simon can destroy with his nastiness this week?  We watch as fragile people get brought to the top, then come crashing down.  (Susan Boyle anyone?) People have short attention spans.  What's hot this week is out next.  These people on these shows don't have feelings to the audience.  They're just there for entertainment.  They're objects for amusement.  When did it become okay for the sacred union of marriage to become a game show?  What is this teaching our children?  What is it doing to our psyches?  Am I the only one that thinks of these things?  Does anyone else remember when the Discovery Channel, and TLC actually was about learning something? 

When did it become okay for the media to follow our president around, and nit pick at every little thing that he does, even going so far as to put clever spins on things to draw in ratings?  I have a feeling that nothing our president does will ever be good enough, because there will always be someone with a complaint.  The fact that his children got flu shots, and now people are outraged at the unfairness should NOT be headline news.  Seriously.  There's injustices, and cruelties happening every minute of every day, but our media chooses to put every little tiny thing that politicians (and celebrities too or that matter)  do, or don't do, say, or don't say as top priority.  I don't care who other people sleep with, and who is cheating on their wife.  That's their business, not mine.  But, no..... it's got to talked about for hours on the news, complete with conferences, and crocodile tears.  Does anyone really think all of this never happened before there was 24 hr news coverage?  Nothing has changed except now there's cameras in everyone's business.  I'd like to see how common people that seem so outraged at the immorality of our politicians would fair if they were constantly put under the same scrutiny.  For the record, I'm not talking about immoral acts, such as selling senate seats, ect...  I'm talking about putting every little thing under a microscope, and making it public, when it's not a public matter.

I know that I've got more to say about this subject, but I'll have to continue later.  In the meantime, I urge anyone who reads this to do something positive.  There's too much negativity in the world.  Too much suffering.  There's more teens today being convicted of serious violent crimes, at younger ages than ever before.  Ask yourself, why do you think that is?  What has changed in our society that has produced children that kill other children, or seriously maim them?

Conversations

I'm not sure how representative this post will be for others on the spectrum.  This is just my own thoughts, difficulties, and struggles with carrying on conversations in real time.  I think it's related to AS, but maybe it's not.

I'm going to start with an example that happened the day before yesterday.  My grandparents were in town, and came by to visit.  I do enjoy seeing them.  However, I know that it's going to be difficult to get through their visit.  They usually stay for about 4 hours or so.  I have a complete inability to think of something to talk about.  It's not anxiety, but it does cause some anxiety.  Everything is okay for about the first hour.  They initiate conversations, and I do my best to keep it going, but inevitably silence creeps in.  Uncomfortable, long, sustaining silence.  I pray for my husband to come home from work early.  He has no problem with chatting with company.  As soon as he walks into the door, the conversation always picks up the pace.  I'm always very grateful to see him during those times!

This issue has probably been the biggest one in terms of socializing for me.  Many people with AS can talk, and talk until the cows come home.  I'm not one of them.  If the conversation heads towards my special interest, then yes, I'll have a lot to say.  It usually does, since my main special interest at this time is Autism Spectrum Disorders, and my kids are autistic.  The subject will be broached by many that I talk to.  The word broached is the keyword here.  I don't want to broach the subject.  I want to discuss it.  I know that most others don't, so I try not to monologue.  

It's hard to make friends, even friendly acquaintances, if you can't even carry on a conversation with people.  Inevitably, after I talk to anyone (neighbor, my kids' friends' parents..ect...) a few times more often than not, they begin to actively avoid me.  I have no idea as to what I said, or did, or didn't say, or didn't do to cause it.  This isn't just paranoia.  I may not be great at reading nonverbal cues, but some of them are so blatant that at the age of 30 I'd have to be blind to not notice them.  I know when someone is trying to avoid having to talk to me when I see them.  

I've also had the problem of people that mainly communicate with me through e-mail expecting me to communicate just as well in person.  People like my son's teachers, case managers, and so on.  Through e-mail my words are intelligent, and well put together.  I convey my thoughts, and ideas eloquently.  In person, I don't have that kind of time to format my thoughts into words.  Others, seem to have a flow of thoughts that are connected, and easily accessed by their mouth.  It's instantaneous for them.  It's not for me.  I have to format the images that are in my head to words that go together, and that reflect what I'm thinking.  This sometimes takes a few seconds.  Especially, if the subject matter is one of opinions, and not based on previously known facts.  I can recite facts.  Having to respond to spontaneous inquiries is way different.  Often, I will throw out some scripted answer that first pops into my head.  This is often NOT my real opinion on the subject, but rather something that I felt would fit into the conversation.  Something that I threw out there under pressure to answer a question.  That's why I feel it's important for parents, and teachers to allow a few seconds for a child on the spectrum to answer questions, especially if the question is one of importance.  You may well not get an accurate opinion right off the bat with a spectrum child.  They may be just saying what they felt was the appropriate response, or one that would end the inquiries.  

There's also something else that happens during conversations.  Sometimes, I'm doing pretty well at carrying them on.  I'm remebering to make eye contact, and trying to convey appropriate facial expressions, and things are going smoothly.  Then, after a period of time (this period of time varies.  It could be 15 minutes, to 2 hrs.  It just depends on a lot of varying circumstances.) my mind starts slowing down, slower, and slower...barely creeping along.  I start yawning.  All of my energy is zapped, and my mind is so cloudy that I can't hardley think at all.  I really hate it when this happens at important meetings.  I will begin to get frustrated, because I have definite opinions, and thoughts that I need to share, but they're so jumbled, and lost in there that I can't get them out.  This is when I'll most likely resort to scripted yes, or no answers.  My brain is shutting down, kind of like a computer that doesn't have enough RAM.  Too many processes running all at once, and the only way to regain speed is to start ending processes.  I can't very well do that during important appointments.    I have found that writing things down before an important meeting helps, but it doesn't totally solve the problem.  A lot of the time, the person will ask questions, and want more info about what it is that I have written down, so it doesn't completely eliminate spontaneous conversation.

Lately, I have informed a few people that I do better communicating through e-mail.  I don't offer any explanations as to why, though.  I figure that they've probably already figured out why since most of these people are the ones that work with my kids.  No need to talk about it, either way.  In allowing myself a few accommodations I've been a much more relaxed person.